It's kind of like a mosquitoe bite. As soon as the bug bites, it itches, it hurts, it won't stop itching...but then the itching fades after maybe putting some cream on it, or marking it out with an X, of even spitting on it (like I know some people try to do). After a few days though, the red bump might still be there, but the itching only comes back every now and again. Then, just when it feels like it is about to fully heal, you get ANOTHER STINKIN' bite! Ugh! And the process starts all over again. This day, my grief, it is kind of like that. A stinkin' itchy bite that never really goes away. Thankfully mosquitoes are only around in Virginia in the summer time, but grief is not that way, it is always there. It might not always itch, but it never really goes away. How annoying!!!
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to make light of a very serious topic (well, maybe I am, because it helps me deal with it better) but either way, I am just trying to say that I have come to the point where June 19th is starting to feel no different than June 20th, or July 26th, or October 15th for that matter. It still itches.
One difference though is how others see your "bites", because bug bites fade away and only you can feel the itch, that is the way it is with grieve sometimes. No one else sees the bite (unless you tell them about it), but you are still itching on the inside. This is the hard part. It may be 7 years, but in so many ways, it was just yesterday for me. Yesterday that I knelt at his bedside and said goodbye. Yesterday that I last saw his smile. Yesterday that I last heard his voice. Yesterday that I last kissed him. In so many ways it still itches like yesterday.
But here is the TRUTH! The GOOD NEWS! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, grief may linger still, but there is always something -- some ONE bigger, better, stronger. The one true LIVING God, the healer, the savior -- MY healer, MY savior!!! If there is anything I have learned over these past 7 years and even in the years prior, during the illness, it is that God will never forsake me. He has never abandoned me.
He has met me every time the itching starts, in a way that no one else could. And He has orchestrated healing and blessing in ABUNDANCE over the past 7 years. It has been amazing to witness and live out. I am ever so thankful! Watching the lives that have been touched by Daniel's story, being able to give our girls a glimpse of Heaven as I talk about Daniel with them...all of these things and more, are the "anti-itch cream" for my bite. God has provided and blessed me in ways that I never even thought possible. If someone had told me, seven years ago as I was sobbing at his bed side, all the things God would do, I would probably never have believed it. But now, seven years later, I am ever so grateful for what He has done and the fact that He has been there all this time.
I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You
All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time.
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You
All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time.
"All This Time"
by Britt Nicole
I am doing a Beth Moore study this summer, as I have done for a few years now, and we are studying the book of James. If you know anything about the book of James, then you probably can understand why I have claimed the first 12 verses of the book of James as my life song on many occasions. As we studied these 12 verses this past week, (no coincidence, I am sure) Beth pointed out 5 characteristics between anguish and joy. Number 1 being, anguish and joy can coexist (James 1:2). Number 2, anguish and joy can trade places. Number 3, the source of anguish can morph into joy (John 16:20). Number 4, mental anguish can be like the mind in labor. & Number 5, anguish is meant to lead to a birth (John 16:20-22). -- Number 5 is truly where it is at!!!
Oh how I can claim all of this again and again in my journey of grief. Psalm 30:11 says "You turned my wailing into dancing." Beth Moore pointed out that when we are in anguish, it can then morph into joy, and she said, "God can turn your pain into your passion." How true that is for me. The pain and anguish that I have endured and continue to endure, has led me to be more passionate for the Cross, more passionate towards the hurting, more passionate for other widows and brain cancer patients, etc. For this I am thankful. I will "Count it all joy" (James 1:2).
So I want to encourage any one out there reading this, if there is something in your life that causes constant itching, pain, healing, and re-healing....turn to Him! God can cover it all and turn your biggest anguish into such joy. My life is proof that this is the case!
And so I leave you again on this 7 year anniversary of Daniel's homecoming with this video. A video of a man who truly counted it all as JOY, even among deep anguish from many different directions, mental, physical, and emotional. But in the end, he knew and understood that something precious would come out of it all. He trusted in the Lord and he changed me - FOREVER.
I do not grieve without hope and therefore, I look forward to the day when we will meet again.
Also, I have been working on a (very large) project recently, creating a blog where I documented Daniel and my entire journey of being diagnosed with a brain tumor and then living/battling 3 years with brain cancer. I have not completed the blog yet, but I thought today was a better day than any to share the site with those that love us. So if you click HERE, you can read our journey (it is a little tricky because of the way it is set up, but if you want to read from the beginning, go to "flip card" view, then scroll to the bottom and start with the "Diagnosis" post; from there, you should be able to just click through them in order). There are also several blog entries by Daniel himself. It is emotional, touching, painful, and wonderful all wrapped into one. My hope is for someday, once I finish adding entries, to turn the blog into a "book" to have a hard copy for others to read, share, be inspired, and continue passing on Daniel's legacy; as he wished I would.
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