15 years ago, a little after midnight, on June 19th, 2006, I said goodnight to my husband and my best friend; not knowing that would be the last time I would look into his eyes. As I knelt beside his hospital bed in our living room, I touched his head gently, as to not startle him from his rest, and I whispered, "It's just me...I want to say goodnight." He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, "Just you? There is no such this as 'JUST' you." And then he smiled back at me.
And those were the last words he spoke to me.
It was a Monday morning, the Monday right after Father’s day to be exact; it was then my whole world changed. A line in the sand was drawn and it was a distinct marking point. A point in life that would define every moment going forward. I didn’t know it then, but life would forever be sketched between days prior to June 19th 2006 and days after June 19th 2006…a line drawn.
Sometimes, I would prefer that this day didn’t exist on the calendar any more, that there was some way I could ignore it…go to sleep on the 18th and wake up on the 20th; but then again, doing that still wouldn’t erase the pain or change the journey.
Grief can be so tumultuous. I tell people all the time how grief is a journey, and it truly is. You never know when grief is going to creep in, there are some moments when a song, a word, a smell, a dream, a book, a picture, a memory, or a verse will suck the air right out of me. I can’t always anticipate the exact moments when these things will happen; however, there are some days when I just know that the grief will want to stay awhile and no matter what, it comes, there are the usual holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and then there is this day. June 19th.
I remember it like it was yesterday, and then at the same time it feels so long ago. It was going to be “our” day. We had had so many visitors lately, which Daniel loved, but it took a toll on me to keep up with the hosting and the socializing on top of all the caretaking.
On this day in 2006, we stuck a note on the door that requested no visitors for the day; except my grandmother. She was there to help just in case we needed something. My brother dropped her off around 7:15am and when she came in, she turned on the kitchen light (the hospital bed was in the living room and I was asleep on the couch next to him). I rolled over to greet her in my sleepiness and saw him laying in his bed asleep. It had been a late night, our friend Matt had stayed with me until about 3am and so 7am came very early. I opened my eyes just enough to look over and watch him sleep. I noticed pretty quickly that something wasn’t right.
I saw him take a breath, I could see his chest rising and then realized a long period of time went by before he took another breath. I got up and went to him and tried to wake him, but could not. Things got frantic and I yelled to my Nana that something was wrong with Daniel.
I was pretty hysterical when the hospice nurse arrived and told me “you need to call everyone to come”. I thought I was “ready”, but you never really are. Our hospice nurse, who had become family to us, told me to come and sit with him, she pointed out the tear rolling down his cheek and told me that he could still hear me and even though he was ready, he was sad to leave me. I felt ashamed that he heard me crying hysterical. I wanted him to know I was ready and that I was going to be okay.
The moments sped by but also felt like slow motion at the same time; for me, it felt like a true out of body experience. Like it wasn't really happening, but it was. My body's way of kicking into protection mode, a coping mechanism.
By this time, it was almost 9am. I did what I knew I had to do…let him go…as hard as it was going to be, I knew it was time. I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “It’s okay Daniel. You can go be with Jesus now.” And just a few seconds later, he took his last breath. She called the time of death at 9am. June 19th. It was going to be OUR day but God had other plans that day.
I’m not mad about that. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are times that I felt bitter, frustrated, sad about the unknown, the “what-could-have-beens”, etc. but I’m not angry at God. I wasn’t that day either. Confused, disappointed, sad…yes. But not angry.
It’s hard to put into words what it is like to be a young widow, I try to share with others when I can, to help people understand; to help them see the Glory of God. So many AMAZING things have happened to me over these last 15 years; yet, he is still not here and no matter how many years pass by, his absence will always hurt. I will always miss him. I wish I could help people understand that about young widows.
Grief doesn’t just disappear when life goes on or blessings occur (oh how I wish it did sometimes!). Grief is a journey, one that I presume I will be on for the rest of my earthly life.
“The joy of what is will never erase the pain of what was lost. On the flip side what was lost, makes our redemption all the more sweet. That's the literal representation of beauty from ashes. The beauty doesn't erase the ashes, but the ashes make the beauty all the more glorious.”
~ Sarah Rodriguez, “Journey of Sarah”
If I could share anything more today, I would say - have grace and love others with a powerful love. Give grace to others. To your spouse. To your children. To your friends. To the person who cut you off in traffic. We live in such a crazy world. A fast paced, “me-centered” world, yet all around us there are so many people in need of grace. You just never know what that person might be going through. Daniel was a grace giver. He was joy and peace and love. He loved me to the extreme and he loved the Lord even more than that.
Seek Jesus in all things. My relationship with the Lord is the only thing that can explain the feeling of peace and the blessings that I have daily as I walk this journey of grief. A peace that goes beyond the understandings of this world. (Philippians 4:4-7 ESV)
I pray this for everyone I meet that is grieving and going through trails. Peace only Jesus can provide, you will not find it in this crazy world.
And even though June 19th can be a painful day for me, I try to focus on how Daniel loved me BIG, all the things he prayed for for me, and how sweet our reunion in heaven will be. That was his legacy.
Daniel's Courageous Journey in Pictures:
For more information about Daniel's brain tumor battle check out
11 years ago on a Monday morning, the Monday right after Father’s day to be exact, my whole world changed. A line in the sand was drawn and it was a distinct marking point. A point in life that would define every moment going forward. I didn’t know it then, but life would forever be sketched between days prior to June 19th 2006 and days after June 19th 2006…a line drawn.
I actually would prefer that this day just didn’t exist on the calendar any more, that there was some way I could ignore it…go to sleep on the 18th and wake up on the 20th; but then again, doing that still wouldn’t erase the pain.
Grief can be so tumultuous. I tell people all the time how grief is a journey, and it truly is. You never know when grief is going to creep in, there are some moments when a song, a word, a smell, a dream, a book, a picture, a memory, or a verse will suck the air right out of me. I can’t always anticipate the exact moments when these things will happen; however, there are some days when I just know that the grief will creep in and no matter what, it comes, there are the usual holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and then there is this day. June 19th.
I remember it like it was yesterday, and then at the same time it feels so long ago. It was going to be “our” day. We had had so many visitors lately, which he loved, but it took a toll on me to keep up with the hosting and the socializing. We had stuck a note on the door that requested no visitors for the day; except my grandmother. She was there to help just in case we needed something. I remember my brother dropped her off around 7:15am and when she came in, she turned on the kitchen light (the hospital bed was in the living room and I was asleep on the couch), I rolled over to greet her in my sleepiness, and saw him laying in his bed asleep. It had been a late night, our friend Matt had been over until about 3am and so 7am came very early for me. I remember opening my eyes just enough to look over and watch him sleep. I noticed pretty quickly that something wasn’t right.
I had seen him take a breath, I could see his chest rising and then realized a long period of time went by before he took another breath. I got up and went to him and tried to wake him, but could not. Things got frantic, I was pretty hysterical when the hospice nurse arrived and told me “you need to call everyone here”. I thought I was “ready”, but you never really are. Our hospice nurse, who had become like family to us, told me to come and sit with him, she pointed out the tear rolling down his cheek and told me that he could still hear me and he was sad to leave me. I felt ashamed that he heard me all hysterical. I wanted him to know I was ready and that I was going to be okay.
The moments sped by but also felt like slow motion at the same time, it was a true out of body experience. I believe my body’s nervous system kicked in for protection. I did what I knew I had to do…let him go…as hard as it was going to be, I knew it was time. I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “It’s okay Daniel. You can go be with Jesus now.” And just a few seconds later, he took his last breath. She called the time of death at 9am. June 19th. It was going to be OUR day but God had other plans that day.
I’m not mad about that. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are times that I felt bitter, frustrated, sad about the unknown, the “what-could-have-beens”, etc. but I’m not angry at God. I wasn’t that day either. Confused, disappointed, sad…yes. But not angry.
It’s hard to put into words what it is like to be a young widow, I try to share with others when I can, to help people understand. So many AMAZING things have happened to me over these last 11 years; yet, he is still not here and no matter how many years pass by, his absence will always hurt. I will always miss him. I wish I could help people understand that about young widows. Grief doesn’t just disappear when life goes on or blessings occur (oh how I wish it did sometimes!). Grief is a journey, one that I presume I will be on for the rest of my earthly life.
“The joy of what is will never erase the pain of what was lost. On the flip side what was lost, makes our redemption all the more sweet. That's the literal representation of beauty from ashes. The beauty doesn't erase the ashes, but the ashes make the beauty all the more glorious.”
~ Sarah Rodriguez, “Journey of Sarah”
If I could share anything more today, I would say - have grace. Give grace to others. To your spouse. To your children. To the person who cut you off in traffic. We live in such a fast paced, “me-centered” world, yet all around us there are so many people in need of grace. You just never know what that person might be going through. Daniel was a grace giver. He was joy and peace and love. He loved me to the extreme and he loved the Lord even more than that.
And even though June 19th can be a painful day for me, I try to focus on how he loved me, all the things he prayed for for me, and how sweet our reunion in heaven will be.
What a full and emotional day. The kiddos and I traveled to Spotsylvania to the church plant that Daniel and I helped start many years ago, where now his little brother is one of the campus Pastors. We got to hang out with all Daniel's nieces, his aunt, his cousins, family friends, and his mom and dad. It was wonderful to see all of them, especially on this special day.
We then went and spent some time at his childhood home and the place where his ashes were laid to rest. It's a serene spot on his parents land that he selected before his passing. It's so peaceful. My older girls actually like to see the picture of me and Daniel together on his memorial stone. I think it helps it all make more sense to them. I had a lovely time reminiscing with my mother-in-law. The way she remembers our love story makes me emotional but it is like sweet honey to my heart. It's hard to articulate it all. But it's been a good day of celebrating life and recalling fond memories. #untilwemeetagain#danielleegregory#longingforheaven#loveoffamily#familyisntalwaysbyblood
10 years ago a little after midnight on June 19th, 2006, I said good night to my husband and my best friend not knowing that would be the last time I would look into his eyes. As I knelt beside his hospital bed in our living room, I touched his head gently, as to not startle him from his rest, and I whispered, "It's just me...wanting to say good night." He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, "Just you? There is no such thing as "JUST" you." And then he smiled up at me.
And those were the last words he spoke to me.
3,650 - The numbers of days since I last saw him smile, heard him laugh, said goodnight. It's been a long road. 3,650 is also the number of days I have missed him, remembered him, and strived to live out his legacy of love, gentleness, and happiness. It's hard to believe it's been 10 years but then again grief has a way of allowing you to feel the tick of the clock every single day since that last moment. Just like my heart does every day, it will beat again and I will remember him in a special way today. I will love harder, share hope more, and cherish each moment because you never know when it will be the last. I encourage each of you to do the same. If I have learned anything in these 3,650 days, it is surely that. ❤️
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
~Romans 8:28 ESV
"I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life."
~Psalm 42:7-8 (NLT)
This is the verse that came to me today.
At one point in my life, I was drowning. The raging seas of life were sweeping over me and pulling me under and I was caught in a terrible storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I felt like I couldn't live. BUT each night and day I prayed (cried out, really) to the Lord. Praying for Him to give me life, to pour His unfailing love upon me. And give He did. The Lord truly does give and take away; by HIS will it shall all be done.
Nine years ago today I had something so very very precious to me taken away, or I should say, given back to the One who gives. I joined a club that I never wanted to join. I became a widow; and not only that, but a young widow, at only 26 years old. I think widowhood is hard enough, but young widows can be so misunderstood. Life can be more complicated and confusing; traveling a journey of grief that never goes away, yet praying that the Lord will bless you and carry you out of the storm. How do you balance it? How do you move on, but also hold on? How do you witness friends and family starting new beginnings, when it seems like your dreams have now all ended? It's complicated.
THEN, when blessings come, it's even more complicated. People don't understand. They question if you are "ready", they think they know what is best for you, they tell you that it is "too soon", people mean well, but they say the wrong things, they wonder about so many things that they have no business wondering about. It's just so complicated. And not to mention for the "other person", there's no book on how to love a widow, how to embrace "in-laws" that already exist. Pain that comes in the darkness of night. Tears that flow for no reason at all. It's hard.
But here it is, June 19th 2015 - 9 years later. And I can honestly say that in those deep precious alone moments that we had together, just he and I, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my precious Daniel would be so happy to see how God has blessed me. To see the raging seas have been calmed and in their place are ripples of blessings and only waves of sorrow that come now and again.
Grief never truly ends and that moment, 9 years ago this morning, when I leaned in and whispered to him, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus now." That moment, it still hurts my heart even to this very minute. But I do not grieve with out HOPE because my God has promised me that we shall be reunited one day.
Just a couple days after Daniel passed away, I remember asking, "What if I live until I am 80? That will mean I will have to live almost 60 years without Daniel. How can I possibly do that?" And trust me, it's been hard enough living 9 years without him, but I now know, even deeper, the One who directs those years. His love covers all and is the ONLY thing that carries me, 5 years through widowhood, 9 years, and even 50 years, if He wills.
The truth is, Jesus is King, the King of Great Glory. He is King over it all. He saw me when I was drowning and He rescued me from my grief and pain and continues to do so every day. If you are grieving, if you are in a situation you feel like you can not overcome, look heaven bound and feel free to send me a message. I would be more than happy to pray with you and for you. There is nothing that can knock us of the path He has set for us when we lean on Him.
Thanks friend for remembering my husband and friend, Daniel with me today. Daniel left a legacy that I cherish and love sharing with those I meet and with my own precious children. Because of dear friends like you, who remember him and honor him, my grief is a little lighter and easier to bear. It is my prayer that you all will feel the Lord's presence today and for those of you that knew Daniel, sweet memories of him will fill your hearts. Love you all! xoxo
Thanking God and praying for you all specifically today...
Mom, Dad, Kirst, Kate, Mike, Nana, Mike G, Mom & Dad G, Chris, Matt, Sissy, Auntie Dale...and so many more...
8 years ago at midnight on June 19th, 2006, I said good night to my husband and my best friend not knowing that would be the last time I would look into his eyes. As I knelt beside his hospital bed in our living room, I touched his head gently, as to not startle him from his rest, and I whispered, "It's just me...wanting to say good night." He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, "Just you? There is no such thing as "JUST" you." And then he smiled up at me.
And those were the last words he spoke to me.
I write this today as an encouragement to everyone reading it - live each day to the fullest. Enjoy every moment, every sun set, every laugh, every tear, every THING!!! And only God could have known, in that moment, that day would just be the beginning of His Glorious Unfolding in my own life. I praise the Lord every day for not only the blessings, but the trails, the life I lived at such a young age, the love I have known, not just once, but now twice. To God be ALL the Glory!!!!
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not put us to shame,
because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
~Romans 5:3-5 NIV~
So many of you were apart of that life and on this 8th anniversary, I say thank you. Being swallowed in the midst of it all at the time 8 years ago, I did not take enough time to say thank you. So now I will try, in some small way. Thank you for the meals, the cards, the visits, the prayers, the love, the support, and the encouragement to help my grieving heart heal with each passing day, month, and now years....thank you.
When ever there is a significant loss, many people will say, "time will heal". I don't like that phrase. Instead, I always share with people that "time helps, but Jesus heals." It is a truth I stand by every day. No matter the number of days I have left on this earth, not one single one goes by that I don't remember my late husband Daniel. He is never far from my heart. I grieve his passing every day no matter how much time has gone by; but Jesus is the solid rock on which I stand and I know with out a doubt in my mind, Daniel and I will meet again. Jesus conquered death so we can live forever. Time helps, but Jesus HEALS! Daniel was not a victim of brain cancer because Jesus was already the Victor over death. Until we meet again....
To learn more about Daniel, read notes that he wrote as his time on Earth was nearing it's end, and to see the journey the Lord had us on, you can go here -- Life in the Lion's Den
How does this day seem to sneak up on me every year? I honestly have come to dislike this day. Grief has a way of living dormant in your life, it is there, don't get me wrong, but it has a way of hiding sometimes.
It's kind of like a mosquitoe bite. As soon as the bug bites, it itches, it hurts, it won't stop itching...but then the itching fades after maybe putting some cream on it, or marking it out with an X, of even spitting on it (like I know some people try to do). After a few days though, the red bump might still be there, but the itching only comes back every now and again. Then, just when it feels like it is about to fully heal, you get ANOTHER STINKIN' bite! Ugh! And the process starts all over again. This day, my grief, it is kind of like that. A stinkin' itchy bite that never really goes away. Thankfully mosquitoes are only around in Virginia in the summer time, but grief is not that way, it is always there. It might not always itch, but it never really goes away. How annoying!!!
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to make light of a very serious topic (well, maybe I am, because it helps me deal with it better) but either way, I am just trying to say that I have come to the point where June 19th is starting to feel no different than June 20th, or July 26th, or October 15th for that matter. It still itches.
One difference though is how others see your "bites", because bug bites fade away and only you can feel the itch, that is the way it is with grieve sometimes. No one else sees the bite (unless you tell them about it), but you are still itching on the inside. This is the hard part. It may be 7 years, but in so many ways, it was just yesterday for me. Yesterday that I knelt at his bedside and said goodbye. Yesterday that I last saw his smile. Yesterday that I last heard his voice. Yesterday that I last kissed him. In so many ways it still itches like yesterday.
But here is the TRUTH! The GOOD NEWS! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, grief may linger still, but there is always something -- some ONE bigger, better, stronger. The one true LIVING God, the healer, the savior -- MY healer, MY savior!!! If there is anything I have learned over these past 7 years and even in the years prior, during the illness, it is that God will never forsake me. He has never abandoned me.
He has met me every time the itching starts, in a way that no one else could. And He has orchestrated healing and blessing in ABUNDANCE over the past 7 years. It has been amazing to witness and live out. I am ever so thankful! Watching the lives that have been touched by Daniel's story, being able to give our girls a glimpse of Heaven as I talk about Daniel with them...all of these things and more, are the "anti-itch cream" for my bite. God has provided and blessed me in ways that I never even thought possible. If someone had told me, seven years ago as I was sobbing at his bed side, all the things God would do, I would probably never have believed it. But now, seven years later, I am ever so grateful for what He has done and the fact that He has been there all this time.
I remember the moment I remember the pain I was only a girl But I grew up that day Tears were falling I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom So alone I was doing my best Trying to be strong No one to turn to That's when I met You
All this time From the first tear cry To today's sunrise And every single moment between You were there You were always there It was You and I You've been walking with me all this time.
"All This Time"
by Britt Nicole
I am doing a Beth Moore study this summer, as I have done for a few years now, and we are studying the book of James. If you know anything about the book of James, then you probably can understand why I have claimed the first 12 verses of the book of James as my life song on many occasions. As we studied these 12 verses this past week, (no coincidence, I am sure) Beth pointed out 5 characteristics between anguish and joy. Number 1 being, anguish and joy can coexist (James 1:2). Number 2, anguish and joy can trade places. Number 3, the source of anguish can morph into joy (John 16:20). Number 4, mental anguish can be like the mind in labor. & Number 5, anguish is meant to lead to a birth (John 16:20-22). -- Number 5 is truly where it is at!!!
Oh how I can claim all of this again and again in my journey of grief. Psalm 30:11 says "You turned my wailing into dancing." Beth Moore pointed out that when we are in anguish, it can then morph into joy, and she said, "God can turn your pain into your passion." How true that is for me. The pain and anguish that I have endured and continue to endure, has led me to be more passionate for the Cross, more passionate towards the hurting, more passionate for other widows and brain cancer patients, etc. For this I am thankful. I will "Count it all joy" (James 1:2).
So I want to encourage any one out there reading this, if there is something in your life that causes constant itching, pain, healing, and re-healing....turn to Him! God can cover it all and turn your biggest anguish into such joy. My life is proof that this is the case!
And so I leave you again on this 7 year anniversary of Daniel's homecoming with this video. A video of a man who truly counted it all as JOY, even among deep anguish from many different directions, mental, physical, and emotional. But in the end, he knew and understood that something precious would come out of it all. He trusted in the Lord and he changed me - FOREVER.
I do not grieve without hope and therefore, I look forward to the day when we will meet again.
Also, I have been working on a (very large) project recently, creating a blog where I documented Daniel and my entire journey of being diagnosed with a brain tumor and then living/battling 3 years with brain cancer. I have not completed the blog yet, but I thought today was a better day than any to share the site with those that love us. So if you click HERE, you can read our journey (it is a little tricky because of the way it is set up, but if you want to read from the beginning, go to "flip card" view, then scroll to the bottom and start with the "Diagnosis" post; from there, you should be able to just click through them in order). There are also several blog entries by Daniel himself. It is emotional, touching, painful, and wonderful all wrapped into one. My hope is for someday, once I finish adding entries, to turn the blog into a "book" to have a hard copy for others to read, share, be inspired, and continue passing on Daniel's legacy; as he wished I would.
I honestly have been dreading writing this. Part of my heart
just wishes that we could go from June 18th right on to June 20th.
Sounds good to me! But then I think about it and realize that it all would have
been in vain if I did that. I would like to title this post, “Pain, Grieve,
Sorrow, Struggle, Suffering…..Healing” But I thought if I did that, surely no
one would read it. :) So I will just stick with the “Homecoming” title,
although sometimes, I have to be honest, I don’t feel very “Happy” about it. Just
sayin’.
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
~Proverbs 19:21
6 years ago today, I woke up and found my husband Daniel
non-responsive. In the days leading up to June 19th we had been told
by doctors, nurses, aides, etc. that our time with him was getting shorter;
however, when you are living in that situation, you never really think that
“day” is going to come. For me, it was my personal mission out of the love that
filled my heart for Daniel that I was going to take care of him
unconditionally, every. Single. Day. And I really thought that those days were
numerous, even if everyone told me there were not. Thinking back now, I believe
it was just a coping mechanism for me. For those that have heard the story or
were around that day, I literally was what they would call these days, “a hot
mess” (it was pretty hot outside actually). Anyway, I remember when the nurse
looked at me, after checking for vitals, and said, “You need to call the family
together.” It was about 8:45am and I
asked her in response, “how much time?” I don’t even know why I asked that, I
think it was just the first thing that came to my tongue. She looked back at me
and said, “You just need to call everyone now.” Well the moments that followed,
actually more like the week that followed that moment are a total blur; another
coping mechanism perhaps, I am not quite sure.
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." ~Psalm 5:11
I know that in that instant I literally fell to the floor in
a heaping sob and had to be helped up by my grandmother and the nurse, the only
two people present at the time. For the rest of the time (about the next 3
hours), I laid on the floor holding his hand as many family members came and
left and then came back in again. Finally the funeral home director arrived to
take Daniel; they had driven from Fredericksburg
to Richmond, looking back, I am not
quite sure why we made that decision. He was being cremated, so we could have
used a funeral home locally, hindsight. Anyway, they came and they took him
away and again, I was a heaping, sobbing mess in my father’s arms. How
wonderful is that vision? At the time, I was not a wonderful vision, I assure
you. But here I was, being held by my Earthly father at the lowest point of my
life and not yet even knowing how my Heavenly Father was preparing and planning
and holding me as well. Praise the Lord that we are merely short-sighted, yet
our father in Heaven, our creator, is so far-sighted! He works EVERYTHING for
good. For His Glory!!!
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28
I remember when Daniel was really sick, probably about 3
weeks before he passed away, then again, it might have been earlier or later, I
realize now that whenever I tell a story about Daniel, it is typically
something that happened about 3 weeks before he died. That must have been a
busy week for us. LOL! Time is all warped in my mind. Anyway, as I was saying,
about 3 weeks before Daniel’s death, he and I were talking about the future and
I remember saying to him that it just seemed unfair because we were so young
and if I lived until I was 85 that would be like 60 years of living with out
him. At the time, I really could not wrap my head around that number. I still
can’t. There is not one single day that goes by that I do not think about him.
Something in the air, something someone says, something I see, something I
hear, a song, a phrase, a squirrel, anything, everything. Every. Single. Day. I
remember. I grieve. Is it really possible that this is going to go on for 50+
more years, if God gives me that much longer here on this Earth?
"Why, you do not even know
what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that
appears for a little while and then vanishes." ~James 4:14
It is really crazy to think about that, but thankfully I do
not have to grieve without hope. Oh how wonderful that news is to my heart! The
Lord has promised me that I will be reunited with Daniel in Heaven one day. Now
the Bible tells us that things will be different in Heaven, no marriage, no
sorrow, just joy; but we will still know and recognize our loved ones that are there
and that is a joyful time that I certainly look forward to.
"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:13
I feel like every year of my healing, the Lord brings me new
knowledge about how to cope, heal, be redeemed from my brokenness. How so
thankful I am for that! This year has been no different. I came up with a
little motto this year. Maybe someone else has used it before, I don’t know,
but I have coined it as my own for now, and it is…. “Time helps, but Jesus
Heals!” I think I needed to cling to this because so many people sent (well
meaning) cards and gave (again, well meaning) advice that “time will heal” –
this is far from the truth, in my opinion. Time has not “healed” my grief. Time has just made me realize that I am
one more year farther from the last time I heard Daniel call my name, or one
more year farther from hearing his laugh, and one more year from seeing him
smile at me, or kissing him good night, or hugging him tight, and on and on.
Time is not my healer. However, time has “helped”. Time has helped the pain.
The aching heart aches not so much, thanks to time. The flowing tears flow not
so much, thanks to time. The deep sorrow is not so deep, thanks to time. Time
has certainly helped. But the only way that I can wake each day, the only way
that I could remarry and love again, the only way that I can see blessings
instead of sorrow, the only way that I can be beautiful instead of broken, is
all thanks to JESUS! Jesus HEALS!!!
"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear;then your righteousness will go before you,and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I." ~Isaiah 58:8-9
It is so funny how life works, isn’t it? Sometimes I can’t
believe I was remarried so soon after losing Daniel and then other times I know
that it was one of the only things that got me through, knowing it was the
Lord’s perfect plan (and Daniel’s prayer) for my life. When I share my
testimony, typically I start out by telling about Daniel, his illness, his battle,
his passing, which at that point everyone is totally blubbering in their tears,
but then I share the BEST PART! The HEALING! The REDEMPTION! The fact that God
took my broken (and oh I was so broken, if you could have only known and seen
me; and for some of you who did see me then and for God who really saw my heart – not
pretty…broken…shattered, actually); anyway, God took my broken self and healed
my life, redeemed me, showed me grace and mercy, gave me an amazing husband,
and now three of the most beautiful little angels. If that is not some healing
on this Earth, than frankly, I don’t know what is!
"He provided redemption for his people; he ordained his covenant forever—
holy and awesome is his name." ~Psalm 11:9
I have seen hopeless people, I have prayed with them and for
them, I have loved hopeless people. I have BEEN hopeless! It is not a fun place
to be. But the greatest news is that Jesus loves the hopeless. Jesus redeems
the hopeless. Jesus HEALS the hopeless! Amen?!?!
"Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." ~ Psalm 130:7
Part of how Jesus has healed me and my spirit is by showing
himself to me during these past 6 years of healing. Last year I talked a little
bit about perspective and this year I want to talk about blessings. Oh how I
have seen Jesus use this circumstance in my life as a blessing!!!
"But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do." ~James 1:25
The Lord has used Daniel’s story and my testimony as a
blessing to many people and in the past year alone, the Lord has allowed me to
really reach out to the grieving. My heart is really being molded for those
that are grieving. I feel a pressing to seek out and minister to those that
need comfort, compassion, healing. Thanks to the Lord for preparing me for that
mission!
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort" ~2 Corinthians 1:3
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ~Ephesians 4:32
Also, the Lord has blessed me – ABUNDANTLY! I find it a bit humorous
that 5.5 years ago when I started this blog, I named it “Blessed Beyond
Measure.” Don’t get me wrong I certainly did feel blessed, but now looking back
and seeing how really blessed I am
now, I am just bursting with Praise for my Father in Heaven! He certainly has
blessed me and I am so thankful for that.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." ~Matthew 5:4
I read a blog called “A Widow’s Might” it is such a
wonderful community of widow’s from all walks of life and all with amazing and
very different stories. Back in January I read a post entitled “Our Stories soUniquely the Same” and it really struck a chord with me. It is so true that
anyone that has walked the road of widowhood, has a similar story, yet so
unique. An oxymoron, yes; but it works! In reading this post, I was also
reminded of the blessings that were in my life at the time of Daniel’s passing.
My family, now let’s be real, I honestly could write at least 10 blog posts
talking about how amazing my immediate family was/is. I would be lost with out
my parents, sisters, and brother and that time of my life it was astounding how
much they were there for me. The friends; especially those special friends that
would stop by after work, bringing us food, loving on us, and not afraid of the
illness that was so blatantly destroying the flesh in front of them. I hope
they know who they are and how much I love them and cherished them then and
even now. Also, Daniel’s best friend Matt; he is such a blessing to me. I don’t
even know where to start when it comes to talking about Matt. He was like a
brother to Daniel & me. He was such a blessing in my life during that time,
words cannot even express. In the article that I mentioned previously, I read
the comment, “we drowned our tears in wine until a friend plucked us up and sat
with us so we wouldn’t drink alone” and I immediately thought, that was Matt to
me! He helped me take care of Daniel, he stayed with me late into the night to
keep me company and keep an eye on Daniel, and even after Daniel passed away,
he stayed with me so I didn’t have to be alone – we both would sleep in the
living room, him on the couch and me in the hospital bed where Daniel once
slept, I think it was just so we could feel closer to Daniel in some way. He was
such a blessing and he never let me drink my glass of wine alone. :) On the last night before Daniel passed away, Matt was there with me and it was
around 2am and we were sitting outside
(drinking a glass of wine) and talking. Daniel had just gone to bed only a
couple hours before and Matt said he needed to go inside and use the restroom.
So I asked him to please check on Daniel when he walked past his bed. When Matt
returned he said something to me that has brought me the most peace during
these past 6 years and probably something that I will never forget as long as I
live. He said, “You know Karen, Daniel is sleeping more peacefully than I have
ever seen him sleep.” I can find comfort in knowing WHY Daniel was “sleeping so
peacefully” – perhaps he was already with the cloud of angels, I don’t know.
But I do know WHO was providing that peace. The same person that has provided
and continues to provide comfort, peace, and healing to me – Our Heavenly
Father!
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:7
If you are suffering or really going through a situation, I
urge you to seek out the Father. Stand firm in your faith, remember that time
helps, but Jesus Heals, and take notice of the blessings along the way. The
Lord wants to bring redemption and He is always the victor. Jesus has taken the
sting out of death which allows us to truly find healing in Him.
"When
the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal
with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death
has been swallowed up in victory.”[
“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 Corinthians 15:54-57
And if you are still reading this, thank you for
loving me, praying for me, being a blessing to me, and to my family. Your
friendship and love mean more to me than words can say and I KNOW for a FACT
that YOU are exactly what Daniel
prayed for, for me as I ventured into the life of a young widow. Thank you.
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and
clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent."
~Psalm 30:11-12
And just in case there is anyone out there that does not believe God was really IN this with us....this is an MRI image taken of Daniel's brain on June 6th, 2005, a little more than a year before his passing....Do you see what I see???
Enjoy this slide show of one of the most wonderful, caring, and faithful people I have ever known...
I find it hard to bring myself to write this post this year. Not that I don't want to commemorate this day or even remember Daniel because those that are closest to me know that I remember and think about Daniel daily. Part of me just doesn't want to think that it has been 5 years already. Five seems like a number that is just so defined, a number that might make it okay for me to part ways with things that I have been having a hard time to let go of in regard to Daniel, a number that makes it all seem very real. Have I really been with out Daniel in my life for five years? Can it really be five years since I last saw him smile or heard his voice speak my name? It just doesn't seem possible.
Right after Daniel went to be with the Lord, thinking about commemorating a FIVE year homecoming just seemed impossible and yet, here it is. I would like to reflect on the biggest thing I have learned during this 4th year of grief and healing. If you had the pleasure of knowing Daniel, then you knew that he always said "If just one person could be impacted by this, it is all worth it." Well, this year I had the opportunity to share God's story of redemption in my life through Daniel's journey at a MOPS meeting. I can not begin to tell you how that opportunity impacted me and many others. That was in March and still to this day I have people coming up to me and thanking me for sharing and then they share with me how God has used our story and testimony to bless, grow, and/or encourage them. Total confirmation of what Daniel and I prayed for so often during his battle with cancer.
I feel as though our story of grief, sorrow, pain, suffering, and brokenness has truly turned into a story of REDEMPTION; thanks only to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have talked often of how Daniel and I were victors through Christ and that cancer certainly did not hold us down; don't get me wrong, Jesus is always the victor in our lives, but looking back at how far I have come in 5 years, He is my REDEEMER as well!!!
The blessings in my life are an amazing testimony to that. I am so thankful for this redemption and healing; and I am confident that healing, growth, and continued blessings will continue to come from Christ, no matter what circumstances this life throws at us. I pray that others can be blessed by this truth as well. Even though Daniel has been with the Lord for 5 years now, it is still my daily prayer that others will be impacted in some way and specifically grow closer to the Lord by knowing him through me and by seeing what God can do in our lives when we are open and willing, especially through his Grace!
I would like to share with you all the recording of the talk I gave at MOPS. My disclaimer though: I am not a professional public speaker and I can definitely use a lot of growth and encouragement in that area; but with that said, I hope this might be encouraging to you in some way.
I also want to share this song. A friend recently shared it with me, stating that she knows the singer/song writer and believes this song resembles my life. Laura Story, the singer and writer of this song, walks a similar road that I once walked. Her husband, less than two years after they were married, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. That was in 2006 and they still continue to battle. She wrote this song among those struggles and it is very timely when it comes to understanding God's blessings and redemption. I LOVE this song and I hope it can bless and encourage you in some way too.
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What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?
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To learn or read more about Laura Story, you can visit her site @
It’s hard to put into words what it is like to be a young widow, I try to share with others when I can, to help people understand; to help them see the Glory of God. So many AMAZING things have happened to me over these last 15 years; yet, he is still not here and no matter how many years pass by, his absence will always hurt. I will always miss him. I wish I could help people understand that about young widows.
