Near the end of Daniel's life, he told me he felt as though he had sucked the life out of me. He apologized for "stealing" my energy, my joy, and my zest for life. He felt as though his life, his illness, the seizures, the medicines, our whole marriage had left me bitter and dry and that it had stolen some of the best years of my life.
I am not sure that I fully articulated to him just how terribly wrong he was when he was on this earth. The truth is, I was tired, overwhelmed, lost, confused, emotional, broken. However, after four years of having to live life with out him I know now more than ever that he was so wrong!!!
Indeed, those 6 (short) years with him were some of the best years of my life and I was so very young and vibrant; but all those things, the illness, the seizures, the medicines, his life, our Lord, our marriage....and HIM; all that has made me wiser, stronger, and better. I am not dry or bitter or sad or lacking joy. Rather I have joy in my life because Daniel gave me wings.
People often ask me, "how could you move on, marry Brian, have two beautiful girls, etc.?" My response is always something along the lines of "You just didn't know Daniel." Or "You didn't know the personal conversations that we had." When I respond like this, I am not trying to be rude, it is just so hard for me to articulate what Daniel and I experienced together, as husband and wife - in private! If I could put into words all the things we said, and all the words that were unspoken too, then maybe "the world" would understand that moving on, healing, overcoming, finding victory in Christ Jesus is exactly what I needed and what Daniel wanted.
It seems as though, for whatever reason, my 3rd year of grief was the very hardest. With the birth of Sierra that year and trying to find my place as a mother, a wife, and yet still a widow; I certainly struggled. However, this 4th year of grief has provided more healing for me. I lost 3 friends to brain tumors this past year and witnessed "new" grief all over again. Healing. I celebrated the birth of another precious child. Healing. I struggled to understand the loss of innocent unborn life. Healing. I fell more in love with Brian this year as I struggled at times to find my place in our marriage. Healing. I graduated with my Bachelor's of Science degree and my License to Teach in the State of Virginia. Healing. I walked deeper with the Lord to understand Him better. Healing. I shared my testimony and Daniel's life story when ever I got the chance. Healing. I search every day for HOPE in my healing. And that again, brings Healing.
Ultimate healing comes from the LORD!
A close friend once told me that we don't really embrace our loss and grief until the 5th year; oh how I long for that time. But until then, I will certainly embrace LIFE. A life that is now more abundant, more joyful, more energetic, and more BLESSED because of a precious life I once knew on this earth and will see again some day soon.
Who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.
1 Peter 2:24
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In Loving Memory of Daniel Lee Gregory
November 13, 1978 - June 19, 2006
For those of you that are just now following our story or just want to read more, click on the links to see other "Homecoming" posts during the past four years of "Healing"
