9 Years Gone & Always missing him.

"I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life."

~Psalm 42:7-8 (NLT)

This is the verse that came to me today.

At one point in my life, I was drowning. The raging seas of life were sweeping over me and pulling me under and I was caught in a terrible storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I felt like I couldn't live. BUT each night and day I prayed (cried out, really) to the Lord. Praying for Him to give me life, to pour His unfailing love upon me. And give He did. The Lord truly does give and take away; by HIS will it shall all be done.

Nine years ago today I had something so very very precious to me taken away, or I should say, given back to the One who gives. I joined a club that I never wanted to join. I became a widow; and not only that, but a young widow, at only 26 years old. I think widowhood is hard enough, but young widows can be so misunderstood. Life can be more complicated and confusing; traveling a journey of grief that never goes away, yet praying that the Lord will bless you and carry you out of the storm. How do you balance it? How do you move on, but also hold on? How do you witness friends and family starting new beginnings, when it seems like your dreams have now all ended? It's complicated.

THEN, when blessings come, it's even more complicated. People don't understand. They question if you are "ready", they think they know what is best for you, they tell you that it is "too soon", people mean well, but they say the wrong things, they wonder about so many things that they have no business wondering about. It's just so complicated. And not to mention for the "other person", there's no book on how to love a widow, how to embrace "in-laws" that already exist. Pain that comes in the darkness of night. Tears that flow for no reason at all. It's hard.

But here it is, June 19th 2015 - 9 years later. And I can honestly say that in those deep precious alone moments that we had together, just he and I, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my precious Daniel would be so happy to see how God has blessed me. To see the raging seas have been calmed and in their place are ripples of blessings and only waves of sorrow that come now and again.

Grief never truly ends and that moment, 9 years ago this morning, when I leaned in and whispered to him, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus now." That moment, it still hurts my heart even to this very minute. But I do not grieve with out HOPE because my God has promised me that we shall be reunited one day.

Just a couple days after Daniel passed away, I remember asking, "What if I live until I am 80? That will mean I will have to live almost 60 years without Daniel. How can I possibly do that?" And trust me, it's been hard enough living 9 years without him, but I now know, even deeper, the One who directs those years. His love covers all and is the ONLY thing that carries me, 5 years through widowhood, 9 years, and even 50 years, if He wills.

The truth is, Jesus is King, the King of Great Glory. He is King over it all. He saw me when I was drowning and He rescued me from my grief and pain and continues to do so every day. If you are grieving, if you are in a situation you feel like you can not overcome, look heaven bound and feel free to send me a message. I would be more than happy to pray with you and for you. There is nothing that can knock us of the path He has set for us when we lean on Him.

Thanks friend for remembering my husband and friend, Daniel with me today. Daniel left a legacy that I cherish and love sharing with those I meet and with my own precious children. Because of dear friends like you, who remember him and honor him, my grief is a little lighter and easier to bear. It is my prayer that you all will feel the Lord's presence today and for those of you that knew Daniel, sweet memories of him will fill your hearts. Love you all! xoxo

Thanking God and praying for you all specifically today... 

Mom, Dad, Kirst, Kate, Mike, Nana, Mike G, Mom & Dad G, Chris, Matt, Sissy, Auntie Dale...and so many more...

I love you all.