Monday's Movie HIATUS - September 13, 2010

My sweet, blue eyed baby boy, Mannix

~Mannix - Meaning "Little Monk" in Gaelic~

I normally do "Monday's Movie" on Mondays, but today I am taking a little hiatus to blog about something different. Today, September 13th marks the one year anniversary of the loss of my sweet baby boy, Mannix. Last year I was newly into the school year and student teaching was exhausting me; not only that but I was also 4 months pregnant, having to leave my sweet baby girl, and basically just overwhelmed all around. Therefore, I did not blog about my loss during that time but I wanted to take the time to do so now.

Sweet boy, sitting on my lap

Sierra and I had gone away for the weekend to celebrate my father's 60th birthday with family in Richmond. As usual, Brian had to work and did not go with us. On Saturday morning before we headed to Richmond I noticed that Mannix was making a weird noise when he was breathing but I really just thought maybe he was having the typical fall allergies or ate a bug that made him sniffle (he was definitely my bug eater). I didn't really think twice about it but I do remember picking him up while Sierra was eating her breakfast and I snuggled with him, giving him tons of kisses like I used to love to do and looked into his blue eyes (probably the only blue eyed "child" I will ever have) and told him something like, "you need to stop getting into mischief, like eating flys, that makes your nose and tummy upset." We left and all was well.

I could really use a back rub, are you done working yet Mom?

Needless to say, all was not well. On Sunday evening, Sierra and I got home around 5:45pm and I started unpacking the car while Sierra was still in her car seat and not hanging out under foot. I brought the first patch of luggage into the house and there right before me on the kitchen floor lay Mannix's limp body. I. Lost. It. Really. My mother, father, and husband can all attest to how much I really did lose it. I ran outside and grabbed my phone, gasping for air (now remember people, I watched my husband die, so you would think I could have a little composure over losing a cat; well, yeah, not so much). I quickly called my parents house as I was getting Sierra out of the car, whom I am sure was very confused about why mama was screaming crying. My dad answered the phone, which was probably a good thing because he calmly talked to me whereas my mother would probably have freaked out WITH me instead. My father asked, "what in the world is wrong." I don't remember exactly what I said, I think it was something like, "It's Mannix. He's dead. He's not breathing. On the kitchen floor. I don't know what happened. There's blood. There's saliva. I don't know what to do. I don't want Sierra to see him like this." All this while hyperventilating and crying hysterically. Dad calmly said, "Karen, where is Sierra?" I said, "I am holding her." He said, "You need to take a deep breath, take Sierra upstairs, put her in her crib. She is probably going to cry and that is okay, just put her down for a minute. Then go get a towel and go pick up Mannix and set him in the garage. Then take another deep breath, calm down, and call me back." So I did exactly as he said and to this day I remember when I picked Mannix up he was still warm and limp; I knew he had not been gone for long.

The boppy is a multi-use pillow :)

After I settled down and got Sierra in bed (she was going to bed around 6:30pm those days because of such an early schedule in the mornings) I then called Brian at work. I had gotten myself settled down but of course, as soon as I heard Brian's voice on the other end of the line, I lost it again. I asked him how was Mannix when he had left, just a mere 45 minutes before we had gotten home. Brian said, "he was fine, standing by the door while I was tying my boots and getting ready to leave, same as he always does. Why?" Then I told Brian that Mannix was dead. At some point between the time that Brian left for work around 5pm and when I got home around 5:45pm, something bad had happened. I was devastated. He was only 5 years old.

She might drive me crazy, but if you mess with her, you are messing with me!!!

Brian was so kind about the whole thing, considering he isn't the biggest animal lover I know. He was very sensitive towards my needs and agreed to call the vet in the morning and take care of everything for me. He was so sweet about it. Sure enough, he called the vet, took Mannix's body into the vet and even paid to have an autopsy done so I would have some answers. To this day, a year later, I still do not know how much he paid to have all that done for me. He told me not to worry about the cost. He knew how much it meant to me to have some closer and understanding of what happened and that was all that mattered. The autopsy revealed that Mannix

Ahhhh. Sun!

Hey! Who's blocking my sun?

The next several days were so hard for me, but the next day was definitely the hardest. I dropped Sierra off at my friend Courtney's house and I remember tearing up while talking to her about it. Then I went to school, where just 2 weeks prior I had shown my new 1st graders pictures of my two kitty's, and if you know anything about 1st graders, they ask questions about your personal life ALL. THE. TIME. So a common recurring question was, "is your white kitty still getting into things?" They asked that because I told them that Mannix was always mischievous and getting into things and that drove my husband bonkers. They thought that was funny. I couldn't break their little hearts, like mine was, so I would just say "yes." I teared up as I was telling my mentor teacher about it and as soon as the day was over, I got in my SUV to come home and before I could drive away I bawled my eyes out right there in the school parking lot. My heart hurt. 

Can someone please get this kid off me?!?

Look Kid, You are too big for a ride!

Now I know, for someone reading this that is not really an animal lover you would think I was crazy and I understand that. However, Mannix was my sweet little boy. He would sit on my lap every night. He loved me unconditionally. He would snuggle with me in bed after Daniel died and I felt all alone. He would greet me at the door every night after work. He never judged me if I took too long to clean out his litter box or took too long getting his food out. He ate all the bugs that ever came into the house so I wouldn't have to worry about squishing them. Whenever I was working on homework he would come and sit right on top of my papers as if to say, "Stop working Mom. Pay attention to me." He would look at me with those big blue eyes and just be so sweet. He would climb the cabinets and the walls and everything else he could, which would drive Brian crazy. He would snuggle with Sierra and never get upset with her for pulling his hair out. He would look at our female cat (Neko) as if to say, "really, PMS again!?!?" He was just the best, most loving, sweetest cat I have ever known and I truly loved him. He was my first baby and I miss him so much. I really hope that some day my husband will allow me to get another cat just like him, but I know Mannix can never be replaced.

Mama misses you every day Mannix.

Mannix Gregory Miller - October 2004 - September 13, 2009