10 Years!!

Happy 10th Anniversary to my amazing hubby!

We have been through alot together! I know it all hasn't been easy, but through the valleys and mountains, good times and hard times, there is no one else I would rather go through it with.

27 years of friendship, 10 years of marriage, 4 kiddos, 4 homes, different jobs, two college degrees later, and so much more....we are still going strong. The Lord has blessed me/us! I am so grateful and look forward to what God has in store for us in the years to come!

Happy Anniversary Honey!<3 p="">

Eleven Years Ago...

11 years ago on a Monday morning, the Monday right after Father’s day to be exact, my whole world changed. A line in the sand was drawn and it was a distinct marking point. A point in life that would define every moment going forward. I didn’t know it then, but life would forever be sketched between days prior to June 19th 2006 and days after June 19th 2006…a line drawn.

I actually would prefer that this day just didn’t exist on the calendar any more, that there was some way I could ignore it…go to sleep on the 18th and wake up on the 20th; but then again, doing that still wouldn’t erase the pain. 

Grief can be so tumultuous. I tell people all the time how grief is a journey, and it truly is. You never know when grief is going to creep in, there are some moments when a song, a word, a smell, a dream, a book, a picture, a memory, or a verse will suck the air right out of me. I can’t always anticipate the exact moments when these things will happen; however, there are some days when I just know that the grief will creep in and no matter what, it comes, there are the usual holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and then there is this day. June 19th.

I remember it like it was yesterday, and then at the same time it feels so long ago. It was going to be “our” day. We had had so many visitors lately, which he loved, but it took a toll on me to keep up with the hosting and the socializing. We had stuck a note on the door that requested no visitors for the day; except my grandmother. She was there to help just in case we needed something. I remember my brother dropped her off around 7:15am and when she came in, she turned on the kitchen light (the hospital bed was in the living room and I was asleep on the couch), I rolled over to greet her in my sleepiness, and saw him laying in his bed asleep. It had been a late night, our friend Matt had been over until about 3am and so 7am came very early for me. I remember opening my eyes just enough to look over and watch him sleep. I noticed pretty quickly that something wasn’t right. 

I had seen him take a breath, I could see his chest rising and then realized a long period of time went by before he took another breath. I got up and went to him and tried to wake him, but could not. Things got frantic, I was pretty hysterical when the hospice nurse arrived and told me “you need to call everyone here”. I thought I was “ready”, but you never really are. Our hospice nurse, who had become like family to us, told me to come and sit with him, she pointed out the tear rolling down his cheek and told me that he could still hear me and he was sad to leave me. I felt ashamed that he heard me all hysterical. I wanted him to know I was ready and that I was going to be okay. 

The moments sped by but also felt like slow motion at the same time, it was a true out of body experience. I believe my body’s nervous system kicked in for protection. I did what I knew I had to do…let him go…as hard as it was going to be, I knew it was time. I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “It’s okay Daniel. You can go be with Jesus now.” And just a few seconds later, he took his last breath. She called the time of death at 9am. June 19th. It was going to be OUR day but God had other plans that day. 

I’m not mad about that. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are times that I felt bitter, frustrated, sad about the unknown, the “what-could-have-beens”, etc. but I’m not angry at God. I wasn’t that day either. Confused, disappointed, sad…yes. But not angry. 

It’s hard to put into words what it is like to be a young widow, I try to share with others when I can, to help people understand. So many AMAZING things have happened to me over these last 11 years; yet, he is still not here and no matter how many years pass by, his absence will always hurt. I will always miss him. I wish I could help people understand that about young widows. Grief doesn’t just disappear when life goes on or blessings occur (oh how I wish it did sometimes!). Grief is a journey, one that I presume I will be on for the rest of my earthly life. 

“The joy of what is will never erase the pain of what was lost. On the flip side what was lost, makes our redemption all the more sweet. That's the literal representation of beauty from ashes. The beauty doesn't erase the ashes, but the ashes make the beauty all the more glorious.”

~ Sarah Rodriguez, “Journey of Sarah”

If I could share anything more today, I would say - have grace. Give grace to others. To your spouse. To your children. To the person who cut you off in traffic. We live in such a fast paced, “me-centered” world, yet all around us there are so many people in need of grace. You just never know what that person might be going through. Daniel was a grace giver. He was joy and peace and love. He loved me to the extreme and he loved the Lord even more than that. 

And even though June 19th can be a painful day for me, I try to focus on how he loved me, all the things he prayed for for me, and how sweet our reunion in heaven will be.

Daniel's Courageous Journey in Pictures:

For more information about Daniel's brain tumor battle check out Daniel - Life in the Lion's Den

How we remembered 10 years

What a full and emotional day. The kiddos and I traveled to Spotsylvania to the church plant that Daniel and I helped start many years ago, where now his little brother is one of the campus Pastors. We got to hang out with all Daniel's nieces, his aunt, his cousins, family friends, and his mom and dad. It was wonderful to see all of them, especially on this special day. 

We then went and spent some time at his childhood home and the place where his ashes were laid to rest. It's a serene spot on his parents land that he selected before his passing. It's so peaceful. My older girls actually like to see the picture of me and Daniel together on his memorial stone. I think it helps it all make more sense to them. 

I had a lovely time reminiscing with my mother-in-law. The way she remembers our love story makes me emotional but it is like sweet honey to my heart. It's hard to articulate it all. But it's been a good day of celebrating life and recalling fond memories. 

#untilwemeetagain #danielleegregory #longingforheaven#loveoffamily #familyisntalwaysbyblood

10 Years Ago...

10 years ago a little after midnight on June 19th, 2006, I said good night to my husband and my best friend not knowing that would be the last time I would look into his eyes. As I knelt beside his hospital bed in our living room, I touched his head gently, as to not startle him from his rest, and I whispered, "It's just me...wanting to say good night." He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, "Just you? There is no such thing as "JUST" you." And then he smiled up at me.

And those were the last words he spoke to me.

3,650 - The numbers of days since I last saw him smile, heard him laugh, said goodnight. It's been a long road. 3,650 is also the number of days I have missed him, remembered him, and strived to live out his legacy of love, gentleness, and happiness. It's hard to believe it's been 10 years but then again grief has a way of allowing you to feel the tick of the clock every single day since that last moment. Just like my heart does every day, it will beat again and I will remember him in a special way today. I will love harder, share hope more, and cherish each moment because you never know when it will be the last. I encourage each of you to do the same. If I have learned anything in these 3,650 days, it is surely that. ❤️

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
~Romans 8:28 ESV

To learn more about Daniel, read notes that he wrote as his time on Earth was nearing it's end, and to see the journey the Lord had us on, you can go here -- http://daniel-lifeinthelionsden.blogspot.com/?view=timeslide

9 Years Gone & Always missing him.

"I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life."

~Psalm 42:7-8 (NLT)

This is the verse that came to me today.

At one point in my life, I was drowning. The raging seas of life were sweeping over me and pulling me under and I was caught in a terrible storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I felt like I couldn't live. BUT each night and day I prayed (cried out, really) to the Lord. Praying for Him to give me life, to pour His unfailing love upon me. And give He did. The Lord truly does give and take away; by HIS will it shall all be done.

Nine years ago today I had something so very very precious to me taken away, or I should say, given back to the One who gives. I joined a club that I never wanted to join. I became a widow; and not only that, but a young widow, at only 26 years old. I think widowhood is hard enough, but young widows can be so misunderstood. Life can be more complicated and confusing; traveling a journey of grief that never goes away, yet praying that the Lord will bless you and carry you out of the storm. How do you balance it? How do you move on, but also hold on? How do you witness friends and family starting new beginnings, when it seems like your dreams have now all ended? It's complicated.

THEN, when blessings come, it's even more complicated. People don't understand. They question if you are "ready", they think they know what is best for you, they tell you that it is "too soon", people mean well, but they say the wrong things, they wonder about so many things that they have no business wondering about. It's just so complicated. And not to mention for the "other person", there's no book on how to love a widow, how to embrace "in-laws" that already exist. Pain that comes in the darkness of night. Tears that flow for no reason at all. It's hard.

But here it is, June 19th 2015 - 9 years later. And I can honestly say that in those deep precious alone moments that we had together, just he and I, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my precious Daniel would be so happy to see how God has blessed me. To see the raging seas have been calmed and in their place are ripples of blessings and only waves of sorrow that come now and again.

Grief never truly ends and that moment, 9 years ago this morning, when I leaned in and whispered to him, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus now." That moment, it still hurts my heart even to this very minute. But I do not grieve with out HOPE because my God has promised me that we shall be reunited one day.

Just a couple days after Daniel passed away, I remember asking, "What if I live until I am 80? That will mean I will have to live almost 60 years without Daniel. How can I possibly do that?" And trust me, it's been hard enough living 9 years without him, but I now know, even deeper, the One who directs those years. His love covers all and is the ONLY thing that carries me, 5 years through widowhood, 9 years, and even 50 years, if He wills.

The truth is, Jesus is King, the King of Great Glory. He is King over it all. He saw me when I was drowning and He rescued me from my grief and pain and continues to do so every day. If you are grieving, if you are in a situation you feel like you can not overcome, look heaven bound and feel free to send me a message. I would be more than happy to pray with you and for you. There is nothing that can knock us of the path He has set for us when we lean on Him.

Thanks friend for remembering my husband and friend, Daniel with me today. Daniel left a legacy that I cherish and love sharing with those I meet and with my own precious children. Because of dear friends like you, who remember him and honor him, my grief is a little lighter and easier to bear. It is my prayer that you all will feel the Lord's presence today and for those of you that knew Daniel, sweet memories of him will fill your hearts. Love you all! xoxo

Thanking God and praying for you all specifically today... 

Mom, Dad, Kirst, Kate, Mike, Nana, Mike G, Mom & Dad G, Chris, Matt, Sissy, Auntie Dale...and so many more...

I love you all.

8 Year Homecoming

8 years ago at midnight on June 19th, 2006, I said good night to my husband and my best friend not knowing that would be the last time I would look into his eyes. As I knelt beside his hospital bed in our living room, I touched his head gently, as to not startle him from his rest, and I whispered, "It's just me...wanting to say good night." He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, "Just you? There is no such thing as "JUST" you." And then he smiled up at me.

And those were the last words he spoke to me.

I write this today as an encouragement to everyone reading it - live each day to the fullest. Enjoy every moment, every sun set, every laugh, every tear, every THING!!! And only God could have known, in that moment, that day would just be the beginning of His Glorious Unfolding in my own life. I praise the Lord every day for not only the blessings, but the trails, the life I lived at such a young age, the love I have known, not just once, but now twice. To God be ALL the Glory!!!!

 "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

And hope does not put us to shame, 

because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

~Romans 5:3-5 NIV~

So many of you were apart of that life and on this 8th anniversary, I say thank you. Being swallowed in the midst of it all at the time 8 years ago, I did not take enough time to say thank you. So now I will try, in some small way. Thank you for the meals, the cards, the visits, the prayers, the love, the support, and the encouragement to help my grieving heart heal with each passing day, month, and now years....thank you.

When ever there is a significant loss, many people will say, "time will heal". I don't like that phrase. Instead, I always share with people that "time helps, but Jesus heals." It is a truth I stand by every day. No matter the number of days I have left on this earth, not one single one goes by that I don't remember my late husband Daniel. He is never far from my heart. I grieve his passing every day no matter how much time has gone by; but Jesus is the solid rock on which I stand and I know with out a doubt in my mind, Daniel and I will meet again. Jesus conquered death so we can live forever. Time helps, but Jesus HEALS! Daniel was not a victim of brain cancer because Jesus was already the Victor over death. Until we meet again....

To learn more about Daniel, read notes that he wrote as his time on Earth was nearing it's end, and to see the journey the Lord had us on, you can go here -- Life in the Lion's Den

Kindergarten at Home - Week 1

We started our first day of Kindergarten at home last week and I wanted to document some of what we have been working on. I don't think it is realistic for me to assume that I will be able to blog every single week, but I am hoping to document some of the exciting things we are doing during this year of fun, learning, and togetherness at home!

I really can't believe Sierra is a Kindergartener already! I am learning that homeschooling is definitely not for the faint of heart and this will certainly be a learning experience for all of us involved. With Sierra being 5, Chyler being 3, and Ariella getting ready to turn 2 in November, it is certainly going to be a challenging year trying to equip them all with a great foundation and love for learning. I am up for the challenge though and if the only thing they learn this year is that God is the source of all love, learning, and creation, then I will also be okay with that as well.

 

We chose a fun, Bible based, unit study, hands-on, classical education approach to Kindergarten for our curriculum this year. It is called My Father's World - God's Creation from A to Z. The first 10 days of the curriculum, we are studying the Creation of the world based on the Genesis 1 account, Chyler, although she is only 3, is participating in these first 10 days along side Sierra; after this, she will do what she can with us, but will also have her own, separate workbooks and things to do. It definitely is fun learning together though!

Here are some pictures of what we have done so far.....

On Day #1 God separated the darkness from the light and named them "day" and "night" -- Here are the girls showing off their book pages for day #1 -

This little cutie enjoys coloring and playing while the big girls are learning...

here, she paused to say "cheese"!!!

 

Sierra is our resident artist and she is very diligent about coloring her numbers just right -- Here she is coloring #2 for the second day of Creation

 

 

Just as much as she desires to color well, cutting and using scissors is also a very important task to her. Her perfectionism sometimes overwhelms both of us (did I mention Homeschooling is not for the faint of heart?!), but she is getting better at cutting each day! Here she is cutting out her Creation number for the day.

 

 Chyler showing off her Day #2 poster - On Day #2 God created the sky. He divided the water below and the sky above.

Sierra with her #3 - Colored so wonderfully 

 

Again, Sierra very busy coloring her number of the day

 

 

Chyler showing her Day #4 poster - On Day #4 God created the sun, moon, and the stars.

 

 

Sierra busy working on her Day #5 poster - On Day #5 God created living creatures in the sea and birds in the sky.

 

 

Here is a small glimpse into our school area. It isn't really a school room per say because there are no tables or desks, we do all of our work at the kitchen table; but this is where we keep all our supplies, posters, banners, calendar, etc. and it is also the play room for the after school fun times.

 

 

Our ABC cards (and number dot cards) displayed on the wall --

All the letters and unit studies to go along with each that we will be doing this Kindergarten year. :)

 

 

I got this idea from my sister and I am glad that I started it this year. The girls took these cute little "My first day" Interviews. I loved hearing their answers and I will cherish these forever!

This is Sierra's....

 

This is Chyler's....

 

I have designated a spot on the wall for us to hang all of our Creation numbers. These will be a constant reminder of how wonderful God is and how He created the Earth in 7 days, and also a reminder of our first week of Kindergarten whenever we look back at them.

 

Also part of our "school area" - I found these great little plastic baskets in the $1 section at Target. It works perfect for me to store the supplies for each child that they are going to need that day - glue, scissors, a pencil, a certain color marker or crayon, a specific craft material, etc. So in the morning, all I have to do is grab the bin below with that day of the week on it (all my materials for that day are stored in there) and then grab each girls basket of supplies, bring them to the kitchen table and we are set to go! :) Keeps things more organized for me and them! :)

 

A closer up view of each girls supply basket...

 

 

I have decided to take all the creation posters the girls have been making, laminate them, hole punch, and then use a ring clip to make them into a book for each child. These will be great to use as we go back through to review the Creation story, retell it, and to show to friends, Daddy, family members, etc. Not to mention, a great keepsake for years to come! Here is the front cover of Sierra's book...

 

 

And this is just a sample page, Day #5 that she created today....

 

As you can (hopefully) see, we are having so much fun and although there have been definite trying moments in the past 5 days of "schooling" and more to come, I am sure -- I wouldn't trade it for ANY THING in this world. These days with my precious girls, learning about God, about loving others, and growing together can never be replaced and I am so thankful that I get to cherish these moments along side them.

7 Year Homecoming

How does this day seem to sneak up on me every year? I honestly have come to dislike this day. Grief has a way of living dormant in your life, it is there, don't get me wrong, but it has a way of hiding sometimes.

It's kind of like a mosquitoe bite. As soon as the bug bites, it itches, it hurts, it won't stop itching...but then the itching fades after maybe putting some cream on it, or marking it out with an X, of even spitting on it (like I know some people try to do). After a few days though, the red bump might still be there, but the itching only comes back every now and again. Then, just when it feels like it is about to fully heal, you get ANOTHER STINKIN' bite! Ugh! And the process starts all over again. This day, my grief, it is kind of like that. A stinkin' itchy bite that never really goes away. Thankfully mosquitoes are only around in Virginia in the summer time, but grief is not that way, it is always there. It might not always itch, but it never really goes away. How annoying!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to make light of a very serious topic (well, maybe I am, because it helps me deal with it better) but either way, I am just trying to say that I have come to the point where June 19th is starting to feel no different than June 20th, or July 26th, or October 15th for that matter. It still itches.

One difference though is how others see your "bites", because bug bites fade away and only you can feel the itch, that is the way it is with grieve sometimes. No one else sees the bite (unless you tell them about it), but you are still itching on the inside. This is the hard part. It may be 7 years, but in so many ways, it was just yesterday for me. Yesterday that I knelt at his bedside and said goodbye. Yesterday that I last saw his smile. Yesterday that I last heard his voice. Yesterday that I last kissed him. In so many ways it still itches like yesterday.

But here is the TRUTH! The GOOD NEWS! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, grief may linger still, but there is always something -- some ONE bigger, better, stronger. The one true LIVING God, the healer, the savior -- MY healer, MY savior!!! If there is anything I have learned over these past 7 years and even in the years prior, during the illness, it is that God will never forsake me. He has never abandoned me.

He has met me every time the itching starts, in a way that no one else could. And He has orchestrated healing and blessing in ABUNDANCE over the past 7 years. It has been amazing to witness and live out. I am ever so thankful! Watching the lives that have been touched by Daniel's story, being able to give our girls a glimpse of Heaven as I talk about Daniel with them...all of these things and more, are the "anti-itch cream" for my bite. God has provided and blessed me in ways that I never even thought possible. If someone had told me, seven years ago as I was sobbing at his bed side, all the things God would do, I would probably never have believed it. But now, seven years later, I am ever so grateful for what He has done and the fact that He has been there all this time.

 I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time.

"All This Time"

by Britt Nicole

I am doing a Beth Moore study this summer, as I have done for a few years now, and we are studying the book of James. If you know anything about the book of James, then you probably can understand why I have claimed the first 12 verses of the book of James as my life song on many occasions. As we studied these 12 verses this past week, (no coincidence, I am sure) Beth pointed out 5 characteristics between anguish and joy. Number 1 being, anguish and joy can coexist (James 1:2). Number 2, anguish and joy can trade places. Number 3, the source of anguish can morph into joy (John 16:20). Number 4, mental anguish can be like the mind in labor. & Number 5, anguish is meant to lead to a birth (John 16:20-22). -- Number 5 is truly where it is at!!!

Oh how I can claim all of this again and again in my journey of grief. Psalm 30:11 says "You turned my wailing into dancing." Beth Moore pointed out that when we are in anguish, it can then morph into joy, and she said, "God can turn your pain into your passion." How true that is for me. The pain and anguish that I have endured and continue to endure, has led me to be more passionate for the Cross, more passionate towards the hurting, more passionate for other widows and brain cancer patients, etc. For this I am thankful. I will "Count it all joy" (James 1:2).

So I want to encourage any one out there reading this, if there is something in your life that causes constant itching, pain, healing, and re-healing....turn to Him! God can cover it all and turn your biggest anguish into such joy. My life is proof that this is the case!

And so I leave you again on this 7 year anniversary of Daniel's homecoming with this video. A video of a man who truly counted it all as JOY, even among deep anguish from many different directions, mental, physical, and emotional. But in the end, he knew and understood that something precious would come out of it all. He trusted in the Lord and he changed me - FOREVER.

I do not grieve without hope and therefore, I look forward to the day when we will meet again.

Also, I have been working on a (very large) project recently, creating a blog where I documented Daniel and my entire journey of being diagnosed with a brain tumor and then living/battling 3 years with brain cancer. I have not completed the blog yet, but I thought today was a better day than any to share the site with those that love us. So if you click HERE, you can read our journey (it is a little tricky because of the way it is set up, but if you want to read from the beginning, go to "flip card" view, then scroll to the bottom and start with the "Diagnosis" post; from there, you should be able to just click through them in order). There are also several blog entries by Daniel himself. It is emotional, touching, painful, and wonderful all wrapped into one. My hope is for someday, once I finish adding entries, to turn the blog into a "book" to have a hard copy for others to read, share, be inspired, and continue passing on Daniel's legacy; as he wished I would.

Pig Tails!!!!

Guess who got her very first pig tails?!?!? It is hard to believe she is old enough for that already and I do find myself walking around in a state of shock often wondering how she is growing up so fast. I will admit that it is a little sad to have our baby girl be growing so fast and not having the "thought" or "anticipation" of another baby on the way. It is a new place for me to be. I am certainly enjoying every moment and honestly can not get enough snuggles from this little one every day. She is PURE JOY, and I am not just saying that because she is ours, she really is a full bundle of preciousness and joyfulness. Happy all the time! What a wonderful blessing she is to us.

She is now almost 13 months old and already can have pigtails. This kid has so much curly, long, thick hair! It is beautiful and people comment on it all the time. Sierra had a fair amount of hair herself at this age, and I just looked and realized she got her first pig tails almost at this same age. She was just shy of 13 months old -- REMEMBER THIS? Brian is not a very big fan of pigtails on little girls, so I think that is why I refrain, but I have to say, how can you say this is not cute??? :)

LOVE this face! LOL! :)

And here are some pictures of her first time in Mimi & Papa's bounce house. She totally loved it, as you can see! I see many more "bounce house" adventures in her future!!! :)

House Update: Closing & Move-in Day

Wow! Let's just say that I for one, am glad to be able to write a blog post saying that we have finally closed on our new house and moved-in!!! That was the most stressful process ever! We had at least 3 scheduled "closing times" and they all fell through, one of which we actually showed up and waited, only to turn around and come home with no keys in hand. Something happened at the Mortgage company causing the computer system to crash and back up hundreds of loans, including ours. Finally, the system was fixed and the documents were sent to our lawyers office and we signed them on Thursday, October 18th. What a great feeling that was!!! Through the whole process and all the issues though, our interested was decreased by .75% and it could not be over-written, so we actually benefited greatly from the whole ordeal! Praise God!!!

Also during the month of October, our packing/closing/moving month, Brian worked 70+ hours in overtime. Wow! I can honestly say, without the help of my parents & my sisters, I do not know how we would have packed & moved. It is hard trying to get it all done with 3 little ones depending on me to take care of them regardless of what is going on in our life. :) SO thankful for having family close by!!!

So here we are, a month later and we are finally all settled in our new house. We are feeling super blessed by our new home, the land we live on, the area we moved to, etc. etc. It has been so wonderful and I could not feel at more peace with it all. The girls are finally settled too and really loving our new house as well. It is a true blessing!

Of course we are still trying to figure out where to hang everything on the walls and still have a few boxes that need to be sorted and unpacked, but for the most part, we are all moved in and so happy to be here. Feeling wonderfully blessed and thankful! Here are some pictures I took through the process of unloading and moving in....