Happy 6 Year Homecoming!

I honestly have been dreading writing this. Part of my heart just wishes that we could go from June 18^th right on to June 20^th. Sounds good to me! But then I think about it and realize that it all would have been in vain if I did that. I would like to title this post, “Pain, Grieve, Sorrow, Struggle, Suffering…..Healing” But I thought if I did that, surely no one would read it. :) So I will just stick with the “Homecoming” title, although sometimes, I have to be honest, I don’t feel very “Happy” about it. Just sayin’.

 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." 

~Proverbs 19:21

6 years ago today, I woke up and found my husband Daniel non-responsive. In the days leading up to June 19^th we had been told by doctors, nurses, aides, etc. that our time with him was getting shorter; however, when you are living in that situation, you never really think that “day” is going to come. For me, it was my personal mission out of the love that filled my heart for Daniel that I was going to take care of him unconditionally, every. Single. Day. And I really thought that those days were numerous, even if everyone told me there were not. Thinking back now, I believe it was just a coping mechanism for me. For those that have heard the story or were around that day, I literally was what they would call these days, “a hot mess” (it was pretty hot outside actually). Anyway, I remember when the nurse looked at me, after checking for vitals, and said, “You need to call the family together.” It was about 8:45am and I asked her in response, “how much time?” I don’t even know why I asked that, I think it was just the first thing that came to my tongue. She looked back at me and said, “You just need to call everyone now.” Well the moments that followed, actually more like the week that followed that moment are a total blur; another coping mechanism perhaps, I am not quite sure.

 "But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." ~Psalm 5:11

I know that in that instant I literally fell to the floor in a heaping sob and had to be helped up by my grandmother and the nurse, the only two people present at the time. For the rest of the time (about the next 3 hours), I laid on the floor holding his hand as many family members came and left and then came back in again. Finally the funeral home director arrived to take Daniel; they had driven from Fredericksburg to Richmond, looking back, I am not quite sure why we made that decision. He was being cremated, so we could have used a funeral home locally, hindsight. Anyway, they came and they took him away and again, I was a heaping, sobbing mess in my father’s arms. How wonderful is that vision? At the time, I was not a wonderful vision, I assure you. But here I was, being held by my Earthly father at the lowest point of my life and not yet even knowing how my Heavenly Father was preparing and planning and holding me as well. Praise the Lord that we are merely short-sighted, yet our father in Heaven, our creator, is so far-sighted! He works EVERYTHING for good. For His Glory!!!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

I remember when Daniel was really sick, probably about 3 weeks before he passed away, then again, it might have been earlier or later, I realize now that whenever I tell a story about Daniel, it is typically something that happened about 3 weeks before he died. That must have been a busy week for us. LOL! Time is all warped in my mind. Anyway, as I was saying, about 3 weeks before Daniel’s death, he and I were talking about the future and I remember saying to him that it just seemed unfair because we were so young and if I lived until I was 85 that would be like 60 years of living with out him. At the time, I really could not wrap my head around that number. I still can’t. There is not one single day that goes by that I do not think about him. Something in the air, something someone says, something I see, something I hear, a song, a phrase, a squirrel, anything, everything. Every. Single. Day. I remember. I grieve. Is it really possible that this is going to go on for 50+ more years, if God gives me that much longer here on this Earth?

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." ~James 4:14

It is really crazy to think about that, but thankfully I do not have to grieve without hope. Oh how wonderful that news is to my heart! The Lord has promised me that I will be reunited with Daniel in Heaven one day. Now the Bible tells us that things will be different in Heaven, no marriage, no sorrow, just joy; but we will still know and recognize our loved ones that are there and that is a joyful time that I certainly look forward to.

 "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:13

I feel like every year of my healing, the Lord brings me new knowledge about how to cope, heal, be redeemed from my brokenness. How so thankful I am for that! This year has been no different. I came up with a little motto this year. Maybe someone else has used it before, I don’t know, but I have coined it as my own for now, and it is…. “Time helps, but Jesus Heals!” I think I needed to cling to this because so many people sent (well meaning) cards and gave (again, well meaning) advice that “time will heal” – this is far from the truth, in my opinion. Time has not “healed” my grief. Time has just made me realize that I am one more year farther from the last time I heard Daniel call my name, or one more year farther from hearing his laugh, and one more year from seeing him smile at me, or kissing him good night, or hugging him tight, and on and on. Time is not my healer. However, time has “helped”. Time has helped the pain. The aching heart aches not so much, thanks to time. The flowing tears flow not so much, thanks to time. The deep sorrow is not so deep, thanks to time. Time has certainly helped. But the only way that I can wake each day, the only way that I could remarry and love again, the only way that I can see blessings instead of sorrow, the only way that I can be beautiful instead of broken, is all thanks to JESUS! Jesus HEALS!!!

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I." ~Isaiah 58:8-9

It is so funny how life works, isn’t it? Sometimes I can’t believe I was remarried so soon after losing Daniel and then other times I know that it was one of the only things that got me through, knowing it was the Lord’s perfect plan (and Daniel’s prayer) for my life. When I share my testimony, typically I start out by telling about Daniel, his illness, his battle, his passing, which at that point everyone is totally blubbering in their tears, but then I share the BEST PART! The HEALING! The REDEMPTION! The fact that God took my broken (and oh I was so broken, if you could have only known and seen me; and for some of you who did see me then and for God who really saw my heart – not pretty…broken…shattered, actually); anyway, God took my broken self and healed my life, redeemed me, showed me grace and mercy, gave me an amazing husband, and now three of the most beautiful little angels. If that is not some healing on this Earth, than frankly, I don’t know what is!

 "He provided redemption for his people; he ordained his covenant forever— 

holy and awesome is his name." ~Psalm 11:9

I have seen hopeless people, I have prayed with them and for them, I have loved hopeless people. I have BEEN hopeless! It is not a fun place to be. But the greatest news is that Jesus loves the hopeless. Jesus redeems the hopeless. Jesus HEALS the hopeless! Amen?!?!

"Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." ~ Psalm 130:7

Part of how Jesus has healed me and my spirit is by showing himself to me during these past 6 years of healing. Last year I talked a little bit about perspective and this year I want to talk about blessings. Oh how I have seen Jesus use this circumstance in my life as a blessing!!!

  "But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do." ~James 1:25

The Lord has used Daniel’s story and my testimony as a blessing to many people and in the past year alone, the Lord has allowed me to really reach out to the grieving. My heart is really being molded for those that are grieving. I feel a pressing to seek out and minister to those that need comfort, compassion, healing. Thanks to the Lord for preparing me for that mission!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort" ~2 Corinthians 1:3

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ~Ephesians 4:32

Also, the Lord has blessed me – ABUNDANTLY! I find it a bit humorous that 5.5 years ago when I started this blog, I named it “Blessed Beyond Measure.” Don’t get me wrong I certainly did feel blessed, but now looking back and seeing how really blessed I am now, I am just bursting with Praise for my Father in Heaven! He certainly has blessed me and I am so thankful for that.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." ~Matthew 5:4

I read a blog called “A Widow’s Might” it is such a wonderful community of widow’s from all walks of life and all with amazing and very different stories. Back in January I read a post entitled “Our Stories soUniquely the Same” and it really struck a chord with me. It is so true that anyone that has walked the road of widowhood, has a similar story, yet so unique. An oxymoron, yes; but it works! In reading this post, I was also reminded of the blessings that were in my life at the time of Daniel’s passing. My family, now let’s be real, I honestly could write at least 10 blog posts talking about how amazing my immediate family was/is. I would be lost with out my parents, sisters, and brother and that time of my life it was astounding how much they were there for me. The friends; especially those special friends that would stop by after work, bringing us food, loving on us, and not afraid of the illness that was so blatantly destroying the flesh in front of them. I hope they know who they are and how much I love them and cherished them then and even now. Also, Daniel’s best friend Matt; he is such a blessing to me. I don’t even know where to start when it comes to talking about Matt. He was like a brother to Daniel & me. He was such a blessing in my life during that time, words cannot even express. In the article that I mentioned previously, I read the comment, “we drowned our tears in wine until a friend plucked us up and sat with us so we wouldn’t drink alone” and I immediately thought, that was Matt to me! He helped me take care of Daniel, he stayed with me late into the night to keep me company and keep an eye on Daniel, and even after Daniel passed away, he stayed with me so I didn’t have to be alone – we both would sleep in the living room, him on the couch and me in the hospital bed where Daniel once slept, I think it was just so we could feel closer to Daniel in some way. He was such a blessing and he never let me drink my glass of wine alone. :) On the last night before Daniel passed away, Matt was there with me and it was around 2am and we were sitting outside (drinking a glass of wine) and talking. Daniel had just gone to bed only a couple hours before and Matt said he needed to go inside and use the restroom. So I asked him to please check on Daniel when he walked past his bed. When Matt returned he said something to me that has brought me the most peace during these past 6 years and probably something that I will never forget as long as I live. He said, “You know Karen, Daniel is sleeping more peacefully than I have ever seen him sleep.” I can find comfort in knowing WHY Daniel was “sleeping so peacefully” – perhaps he was already with the cloud of angels, I don’t know. But I do know WHO was providing that peace. The same person that has provided and continues to provide comfort, peace, and healing to me – Our Heavenly Father!

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:7

If you are suffering or really going through a situation, I urge you to seek out the Father. Stand firm in your faith, remember that time helps, but Jesus Heals, and take notice of the blessings along the way. The Lord wants to bring redemption and He is always the victor. Jesus has taken the sting out of death which allows us to truly find healing in Him.

 "When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[

 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 Corinthians 15:54-57

And if you are still reading this, thank you for loving me, praying for me, being a blessing to me, and to my family. Your friendship and love mean more to me than words can say and I KNOW for a FACT that YOU are exactly what Daniel prayed for, for me as I ventured into the life of a young widow. Thank you.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent." ~Psalm 30:11-12

And just in case there is anyone out there that does not believe God was really IN this with us....this is an MRI image taken of Daniel's brain on June 6th, 2005, a little more than a year before his passing....Do you see what I see???

 

Enjoy this slide show of one of the most wonderful, caring, and faithful people I have ever known...